Superhero Championship Preview
Disclaimer: This is meant to be funny and nothing more. If you know me, then you know I joke around alot and if you don’t then now you know! If you can’t take a joke then please close your browser and quit kickball. Thanks!
Final KBCS Standings
Congratulations to NDW for narrowly winning the first ever Natural Light KBCS Regular Season Championship Sponsored by the Hop Yard! I’m sure everyone was rooting for you!
No Dead Weight 2,703
Tea Tea Twisters 2,607
Rum Riot 2,237
The Aristocrats 2,214
Muff N Men 2,146
Gronki-Punch 2,073
Brazzers 1,963
WAKA Shame 1,903
Roll Another Bunt 1,783
Swamp Donkeys 1,646
That's What She Said 1,483
We Play With Moobs 1,226
Lucky Strike 774
Balls Deep 6
Las Vegas Sportsbook Odds of Winning it All
Busting out something fresh for playoffs instead of a traditional Power Rankings. Ranking the teams from 14 to 1 with overall odds of winning the title and what they need to do to accomplish that. See Stevey DaPaolo to place any wagers.
#14. Balls Deep (1,500:1)
Regular Season Record: 0-7 (14th)
Notable Wins: Ummmm...
Strength of Schedule: .469 (10th)
What they need to do to win the Gold Ball: Balls Deep can win the Gold Ball if they are the only team to show up Saturday. If they do win then mark your calendars because the world really will end in December. Scott Corliss has a better chance of being 6ft tall than Balls Deep has of winning this league.
#13. Lucky Strike (1,400:1)
Regular Season Record: 1-6 (13th)
Notable Wins: Is a forfeit win against Balls Deep notable?
Strength of Schedule: .480 (9th)
What they need to do to win the Gold Ball: Pray for aliens to invade and attack everyone not wearing a light blue shirt. Hopefully the aliens are short on girls and have to forfeit after. There’s a better chance of Shaker not drinking Saturday than Lucky Strike winning the title.
#12. That’s What She Said (400:1)
Regular Season Record: 2-5
Notable Wins: Lucky Strike?
Strength of Schedule: .500 (7th)
What they need to do to win the Gold Ball: If they can convince every team to play kicking only and their opponents have to use their opposite foot, it would be possible. So unless they have a Jedi or a hypnotist on their team, I don’t like their chances.
#11. We Play With Moobs (250:1)
Regular Season Record: 3-4
Notable Wins: Uhh.. That’s What She Said?
Strength of Schedule: .427 (13th)
What they need to do to win the Gold Ball: Hang out until after the tournament and steal it. Have a getaway vehicle ready to go in case NDW wins because they will be the only team to chase after you or not laugh.
#10. Swamp Donkeys (150:1)
Regular Season Record: 4-3
Notable Wins: Checking....
Strength of Schedule: .449 (11th)
What they need to do to win the Gold Ball: Swamp Donks can win if Ed and Kristen call WAKA and alter the rules and make up a bunch of ridiculous ones. Such as if you have a Larry Bruni you get spotted 15 runs automatically. They have some talent and are certainly capable of an upset.
(Side note: Perfect example why I have certain teams with worse records ranked higher than other teams with better records. Notice the #14 team has no wins. The #13 team has 1 win against #14. The #12 teams has 2 wins against #13 and #14. The #11 team has 3 wins against 12,13, and 14. And #10 has 4 wins against 11,12,13,and 14. So no, I don’t just pull this shit out my ass, thanks!)
#9. Roll Another Bunt (100:1)
Regular Season Record: 2-4-1
Notable Wins: Rum Riot
Strength of Schedule: .582 (2nd)
What they need to do to win the Gold Ball: If they forget their weed at home, RAB might actually give a shit about playing. Don’t see that happening though.
#8. Brazzers (50:1)
Regular Season Record: 2-3-2
Notable Wins: Muff N Men
Strength of Schedule: .622 (1st)
What they need to do to win the Gold Ball: Dress Steve Ginn in a Faley costume and hope NDW doesn’t notice.
#7. WAKA Shame (30:1)
Regular Season Record: 1-4-2
Notable Wins: They have 1 win and there is nothing special about it.
Strength of Schedule: .531 (5th)
What they need to do to win the Gold Ball: Stop blowing games! WS has played solid defense throughout the season but can’t seem to close the deal. Get your shit together and stop stressing about “bad” calls (Stevey). Trish gets the team MVP award. Didn’t realize how much she meant to the team!
#6. Muff N Men (25:1)
Regular Season Record: 4-3
Notable Wins: Gronki-Punch
Strength of Schedule: .520 (6th)
What they need to do to win the Gold Ball: 2,000 Jello shots should do it. Start handing them out immediately and forcing people to eat em. Pair shitfaced kickballers with the Muffs strong defense and you got the gold ball!
#5. Gronki-Punch (20:1)
Regular Season Record: 5-1-1
Notable Wins: None at all
Strength of Schedule: .378 (Last)
What they need to do to win the Gold Ball: Keep JSparks somewhere between moderately buzzed and kinda drunk and you should have Kerry 2.0 chucking lasers. It’s a very fine line. Too sober and he throws like a girl. Too drunk and he’s slopping all over the place. Mac needs to leave Tristan at home. Gronks have enough girls.
#4. The Aristocrats (12:1)
Regular Season Record: 5-1-1
Notable Wins: Tie vs. Tea Tea Twisters. None of their wins were impressive.
Strength of Schedule: .439 (12th)
What they need to do to win the Gold Ball: Get used to playing tough competition. TA didn’t see much of it this season (my team saw less) and while they played Tea teas well, they got smoked by NDW.
#3. Rum Riot (7:1)
Regular Season Record: 5-2
Notable Wins: NDW (Fuck forfeitgate. They beat them)
Strength of Schedule: .490 (8th)
What they need to do to win the Gold Ball: Not lay an egg in the semifinals like they seem to do every season. You beat NDW. Everyone knows it. NDW may not admit it, but it happened. Be happy this is the last write up of the season and you don’t have to read about forfeitgate anymore.
#2. Tea Tea Twisters (4:1)
Regular Season Record: 5-1-1
Notable Wins: Rum Riot
Strength of Schedule: .561 (3rd)
What they need to do to win the Gold Ball: Stick to the Twisted Tea Lights. Less alcohol content and less calories to weigh you down. Could be big in the later games.
#1. No Dead Weight (3:2)
Regular Season Record: 6-1
Notable Wins: Tea Tea Twisters, The Aristocrats
Strength of Schedule: .561 (3rd)
What they need to do to win the Gold Ball: Show up, bitch a lot, don’t argue with each other, and don’t cramp up.
Fall Playoff Preview
Since all the games are played in one day, if I pick a team wrong then obviously I won’t have a witty write up for that matchup. Sorry if I don’t pick your team to win. This isn’t tee ball where you get a trophy even if you lose. Win your game, prove me wrong and rub it in my face! The games are in order of time played.
Round 1
Gonna breeze through these games
#8. We Play With Moobs vs. #9. Brazzers
Moobies didn’t beat any teams higher than them in the rankings this season. Pretty sure that trend will continue. Brazzers will probably be playing their hearts out seeing as NDW is next and we all know how much fun it is to play them. Brazzers win 7-1
#7. Rum Riot vs. #10. Roll Another Bunt
A rematch of the stunning upset that happened earlier in the season. RAB has some skills but will probably be far too blazed to compete. Rum Riot has already played their stinker game of the season and I don’t see it happening again versus the same team. Rum Riot takes it 5-2.
#4. The Aristocrats vs. #13. Lucky Strike
TA is coming off their first loss and will probably be angry. LS is a fun group with not very much experience against the bunt and that won’t help them against a serious team. TA will roll 9-0
#3. Tea Tea Twisters vs. #14. Balls Deep
The Hoffs are a merciful team and should at least make this game fun. Hopefully BD can field a full team. It sucks for the people who actually show up. Tea Tea’s win 5-0.
#5. Muff N Men vs. #12. WAKA Shame
The infamous 5 vs 12 match up. Muffs have a solid defense but few weapons on offense. WS has been the biggest disappointment of the season only getting one win. WS is the team no one wants in the first round and I’m calling the upset here. 4-3.
#6. Swamp Donkeys vs. #11. That’s What She Said
The Donks have a solid pitcher for turf in Calvin. Hard smooth and a lot of spin (that’s what she said). That alone should give the Donks a major advantage. I doubt this game will be kicking only so I can’t see TWSS doing much. Donks win 5-1.
Side note: Had “forfeitgate” not occurred Rum Riot would be the 5 seed playing WAKA Shame, Muff N Men would be #6 playing TWSS and Swamp Donkeys would be #7 playing RAB. I’m sure some of you have some thanks to give out and some have some “go fuck yourselves”.
Round 2
#1. NDW vs. #9 Brazzers
A rematch (sort of) of the Spring Season finals. NDW got better and Brazzers got worse. Steve Ginn won’t be sneaking into this game to play (see: forfeitgate). NDW has been on a merciless tear since they were laughed out of Vegas just obliterating everyone they play against. Brazzers hasn’t won a game since KShaw was still on the market. I’m sure both of those trends will continue (sort of since Brazzers has to win to get here) as NDW runs up the score 9-1.
#2. Gronki-Punch vs. #7. Rum Riot
The Gronks had the most embarrassingly cake schedule and were basically gifted a bye before the season even started. Rum Riot lost to a bottom five team, and got a win stripped away against the #1 team. Playing on turf is going to give the Gronks the edge in this one. Both teams have a dangerous top 5 and solid defenses. This game will go to the team who gets the majority of the close calls. I’ll be castrated by my team if I don’t pick us to win at least once Saturday soooo.... Gronks edge it out 4-3.
#4. The Aristocrats vs. #12. WAKA Shame
This will be an interesting one (if it happens). TA has a hot head 3rd basemen who you could hear from Payson on Thursday and WS has Stevey. Could this be the game someone gets tossed? This should be a great game to watch and painful to ref (I nominate Corliss). I’m going with the Cinderella WS in this one based on how they have played against the top teams in the league. TA is still unproven (not their fault, they didn’t pick their schedule) but will definitely be competetive. WS keeps the dream alive 4-2.
#3. Tea Tea Twisters vs. #6. Swamp Donkeys
The Tea Teas should have the right amount of girly beverages in them at this point to be on top of their game. The Donks are happy to have actually won a game this season (5!!!). The Hoffs glare will psych out Calvin and he will be dealing meatballs all game. Twisters should pull this one out semi-easily 5-1.
Semifinals
#1. NDW vs. #12. WAKA Shame
Final KBCS Standings
Congratulations to NDW for narrowly winning the first ever Natural Light KBCS Regular Season Championship Sponsored by the Hop Yard! I’m sure everyone was rooting for you!
No Dead Weight 2,703
Tea Tea Twisters 2,607
Rum Riot 2,237
The Aristocrats 2,214
Muff N Men 2,146
Gronki-Punch 2,073
Brazzers 1,963
WAKA Shame 1,903
Roll Another Bunt 1,783
Swamp Donkeys 1,646
That's What She Said 1,483
We Play With Moobs 1,226
Lucky Strike 774
Balls Deep 6
Las Vegas Sportsbook Odds of Winning it All
Busting out something fresh for playoffs instead of a traditional Power Rankings. Ranking the teams from 14 to 1 with overall odds of winning the title and what they need to do to accomplish that. See Stevey DaPaolo to place any wagers.
#14. Balls Deep (1,500:1)
Regular Season Record: 0-7 (14th)
Notable Wins: Ummmm...
Strength of Schedule: .469 (10th)
What they need to do to win the Gold Ball: Balls Deep can win the Gold Ball if they are the only team to show up Saturday. If they do win then mark your calendars because the world really will end in December. Scott Corliss has a better chance of being 6ft tall than Balls Deep has of winning this league.
#13. Lucky Strike (1,400:1)
Regular Season Record: 1-6 (13th)
Notable Wins: Is a forfeit win against Balls Deep notable?
Strength of Schedule: .480 (9th)
What they need to do to win the Gold Ball: Pray for aliens to invade and attack everyone not wearing a light blue shirt. Hopefully the aliens are short on girls and have to forfeit after. There’s a better chance of Shaker not drinking Saturday than Lucky Strike winning the title.
#12. That’s What She Said (400:1)
Regular Season Record: 2-5
Notable Wins: Lucky Strike?
Strength of Schedule: .500 (7th)
What they need to do to win the Gold Ball: If they can convince every team to play kicking only and their opponents have to use their opposite foot, it would be possible. So unless they have a Jedi or a hypnotist on their team, I don’t like their chances.
#11. We Play With Moobs (250:1)
Regular Season Record: 3-4
Notable Wins: Uhh.. That’s What She Said?
Strength of Schedule: .427 (13th)
What they need to do to win the Gold Ball: Hang out until after the tournament and steal it. Have a getaway vehicle ready to go in case NDW wins because they will be the only team to chase after you or not laugh.
#10. Swamp Donkeys (150:1)
Regular Season Record: 4-3
Notable Wins: Checking....
Strength of Schedule: .449 (11th)
What they need to do to win the Gold Ball: Swamp Donks can win if Ed and Kristen call WAKA and alter the rules and make up a bunch of ridiculous ones. Such as if you have a Larry Bruni you get spotted 15 runs automatically. They have some talent and are certainly capable of an upset.
(Side note: Perfect example why I have certain teams with worse records ranked higher than other teams with better records. Notice the #14 team has no wins. The #13 team has 1 win against #14. The #12 teams has 2 wins against #13 and #14. The #11 team has 3 wins against 12,13, and 14. And #10 has 4 wins against 11,12,13,and 14. So no, I don’t just pull this shit out my ass, thanks!)
#9. Roll Another Bunt (100:1)
Regular Season Record: 2-4-1
Notable Wins: Rum Riot
Strength of Schedule: .582 (2nd)
What they need to do to win the Gold Ball: If they forget their weed at home, RAB might actually give a shit about playing. Don’t see that happening though.
#8. Brazzers (50:1)
Regular Season Record: 2-3-2
Notable Wins: Muff N Men
Strength of Schedule: .622 (1st)
What they need to do to win the Gold Ball: Dress Steve Ginn in a Faley costume and hope NDW doesn’t notice.
#7. WAKA Shame (30:1)
Regular Season Record: 1-4-2
Notable Wins: They have 1 win and there is nothing special about it.
Strength of Schedule: .531 (5th)
What they need to do to win the Gold Ball: Stop blowing games! WS has played solid defense throughout the season but can’t seem to close the deal. Get your shit together and stop stressing about “bad” calls (Stevey). Trish gets the team MVP award. Didn’t realize how much she meant to the team!
#6. Muff N Men (25:1)
Regular Season Record: 4-3
Notable Wins: Gronki-Punch
Strength of Schedule: .520 (6th)
What they need to do to win the Gold Ball: 2,000 Jello shots should do it. Start handing them out immediately and forcing people to eat em. Pair shitfaced kickballers with the Muffs strong defense and you got the gold ball!
#5. Gronki-Punch (20:1)
Regular Season Record: 5-1-1
Notable Wins: None at all
Strength of Schedule: .378 (Last)
What they need to do to win the Gold Ball: Keep JSparks somewhere between moderately buzzed and kinda drunk and you should have Kerry 2.0 chucking lasers. It’s a very fine line. Too sober and he throws like a girl. Too drunk and he’s slopping all over the place. Mac needs to leave Tristan at home. Gronks have enough girls.
#4. The Aristocrats (12:1)
Regular Season Record: 5-1-1
Notable Wins: Tie vs. Tea Tea Twisters. None of their wins were impressive.
Strength of Schedule: .439 (12th)
What they need to do to win the Gold Ball: Get used to playing tough competition. TA didn’t see much of it this season (my team saw less) and while they played Tea teas well, they got smoked by NDW.
#3. Rum Riot (7:1)
Regular Season Record: 5-2
Notable Wins: NDW (Fuck forfeitgate. They beat them)
Strength of Schedule: .490 (8th)
What they need to do to win the Gold Ball: Not lay an egg in the semifinals like they seem to do every season. You beat NDW. Everyone knows it. NDW may not admit it, but it happened. Be happy this is the last write up of the season and you don’t have to read about forfeitgate anymore.
#2. Tea Tea Twisters (4:1)
Regular Season Record: 5-1-1
Notable Wins: Rum Riot
Strength of Schedule: .561 (3rd)
What they need to do to win the Gold Ball: Stick to the Twisted Tea Lights. Less alcohol content and less calories to weigh you down. Could be big in the later games.
#1. No Dead Weight (3:2)
Regular Season Record: 6-1
Notable Wins: Tea Tea Twisters, The Aristocrats
Strength of Schedule: .561 (3rd)
What they need to do to win the Gold Ball: Show up, bitch a lot, don’t argue with each other, and don’t cramp up.
Fall Playoff Preview
Since all the games are played in one day, if I pick a team wrong then obviously I won’t have a witty write up for that matchup. Sorry if I don’t pick your team to win. This isn’t tee ball where you get a trophy even if you lose. Win your game, prove me wrong and rub it in my face! The games are in order of time played.
Round 1
Gonna breeze through these games
#8. We Play With Moobs vs. #9. Brazzers
Moobies didn’t beat any teams higher than them in the rankings this season. Pretty sure that trend will continue. Brazzers will probably be playing their hearts out seeing as NDW is next and we all know how much fun it is to play them. Brazzers win 7-1
#7. Rum Riot vs. #10. Roll Another Bunt
A rematch of the stunning upset that happened earlier in the season. RAB has some skills but will probably be far too blazed to compete. Rum Riot has already played their stinker game of the season and I don’t see it happening again versus the same team. Rum Riot takes it 5-2.
#4. The Aristocrats vs. #13. Lucky Strike
TA is coming off their first loss and will probably be angry. LS is a fun group with not very much experience against the bunt and that won’t help them against a serious team. TA will roll 9-0
#3. Tea Tea Twisters vs. #14. Balls Deep
The Hoffs are a merciful team and should at least make this game fun. Hopefully BD can field a full team. It sucks for the people who actually show up. Tea Tea’s win 5-0.
#5. Muff N Men vs. #12. WAKA Shame
The infamous 5 vs 12 match up. Muffs have a solid defense but few weapons on offense. WS has been the biggest disappointment of the season only getting one win. WS is the team no one wants in the first round and I’m calling the upset here. 4-3.
#6. Swamp Donkeys vs. #11. That’s What She Said
The Donks have a solid pitcher for turf in Calvin. Hard smooth and a lot of spin (that’s what she said). That alone should give the Donks a major advantage. I doubt this game will be kicking only so I can’t see TWSS doing much. Donks win 5-1.
Side note: Had “forfeitgate” not occurred Rum Riot would be the 5 seed playing WAKA Shame, Muff N Men would be #6 playing TWSS and Swamp Donkeys would be #7 playing RAB. I’m sure some of you have some thanks to give out and some have some “go fuck yourselves”.
Round 2
#1. NDW vs. #9 Brazzers
A rematch (sort of) of the Spring Season finals. NDW got better and Brazzers got worse. Steve Ginn won’t be sneaking into this game to play (see: forfeitgate). NDW has been on a merciless tear since they were laughed out of Vegas just obliterating everyone they play against. Brazzers hasn’t won a game since KShaw was still on the market. I’m sure both of those trends will continue (sort of since Brazzers has to win to get here) as NDW runs up the score 9-1.
#2. Gronki-Punch vs. #7. Rum Riot
The Gronks had the most embarrassingly cake schedule and were basically gifted a bye before the season even started. Rum Riot lost to a bottom five team, and got a win stripped away against the #1 team. Playing on turf is going to give the Gronks the edge in this one. Both teams have a dangerous top 5 and solid defenses. This game will go to the team who gets the majority of the close calls. I’ll be castrated by my team if I don’t pick us to win at least once Saturday soooo.... Gronks edge it out 4-3.
#4. The Aristocrats vs. #12. WAKA Shame
This will be an interesting one (if it happens). TA has a hot head 3rd basemen who you could hear from Payson on Thursday and WS has Stevey. Could this be the game someone gets tossed? This should be a great game to watch and painful to ref (I nominate Corliss). I’m going with the Cinderella WS in this one based on how they have played against the top teams in the league. TA is still unproven (not their fault, they didn’t pick their schedule) but will definitely be competetive. WS keeps the dream alive 4-2.
#3. Tea Tea Twisters vs. #6. Swamp Donkeys
The Tea Teas should have the right amount of girly beverages in them at this point to be on top of their game. The Donks are happy to have actually won a game this season (5!!!). The Hoffs glare will psych out Calvin and he will be dealing meatballs all game. Twisters should pull this one out semi-easily 5-1.
Semifinals
#1. NDW vs. #12. WAKA Shame
Last time these teams met it was a very solid 1-0 NDW win. Bez "The Gender Changer" shouldn't be cramped up quite yet for this game. You know by now Shaker should be blacked out and NDW will be kicking the ball to him every at bat. WS is going to need to score early to have a chance to win this one. I'm not seeing it happen as I'm sure Stevey is going to have a temper tantrum at some point and cost them two runs. NDW wins 4-2.
#2. Gronki-Punch vs. #3. Tea Tea Twisters
The Gronks got here with masterful defense against meaningless teams. While the Tea Teas have played one of the toughest schedules in the league and only lost once. Hoff will be lingering in this game and I'm playing the reverse psychology card and picking the Tea Teas to win (makes for a better final write up wise) a close one 2-1. JSparks' inability to bunt will cost the Gronks the game.
FOR THE BALL!
#1. NDW vs. #3. Tea Tea Twisters
Shane's going to be looking for redemption facing the team that kicked him to the curb for Darcey. He will be playing with a chip on his shoulder. NDW has an NFL injury report going on this season. Papi (shoulder - probable), Houghton (knee - questionable), Bez (cramps - pup), BShaw (back - active but useless), Kathleen (migraines from Portland parks - active). May need an ambulance on site. Tea Tea players may want to bring a birth certificate, photo ID, social security card, blockbuster card, proof of citizenship, and at least 3 family members to verify identity because after "forfeitgate" you know they will be checking on you. Hopefully there is a back up head ref on retainer because these are the top teams for ref abuse. Unfortunately you just can't stop NDW (in Maine) from scoring right now. They should win and it will be another depressing winter (just kidding!) 4-1.
End of Season Awards
These are all based on what I saw from reffing or playing. I'm sure I missed on some of these (Cy Young).
MVP - Mother Nature - We actually played every game this season.
Cy Young - JSparks - Sorry Kerry, you gotta show up more than two times a season to win.
ROY - Eamonn Harrigan - You were awesome this season.
Best Catcher - Joey McLean - Dirty this season.
Best Charger - Bez - Believe the hype.
Best Team Name - Muff N Men - Love it!
LVP - Portland Parks - What part of 9:30 do you not get? Has CMP jacked up their rates?
Thanks for reading everyone this season. I appreciate all the feedback and trash talk. I do this for free so if you love me then buy one of my raffle tickets tomorrow! Until next season!
-Sparks
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