My Decision

Before anyone ever cared where I would play kickball, I was an adult from the mean streets of Portland, ME. It’s where I sat around. It’s where I pounded beers. It holds a special place in my heart. People there have seen me throw up. I sometimes feel like I’m their son. My relationship with my longtime teammates is bigger than kickball. I knew that four years ago. I could care less about that now.

Remember when I was sitting on Kevin Rice’s porch in 2010? I was thinking, this is really tough. I could feel it. I was starting something great. A potential dynasty. If I had to do it all over again, I’d probably do things differently, but I’d still have created my team. The past few years helped raise me into who I am. I became a juggernaut on the field. Crushed beers and bunts with the best of them. Struck out more bitches than I ever could have imagined. Without the experiences I had there, I wouldn’t be able to do what I’m doing today.

I’m doing this essay because I want an opportunity to explain myself uninterrupted. I want everyone thinking: He and Casey Dodge didn’t get along. … He and Russ didn’t get along. … The Untouchaballs couldn’t put the right team together. Because all of that is absolutely true.

I’m not having a press conference or a party. After this, it’s time to get to work.

I’m not promising a championship… Wait, yes I am. We’re ready right now. Fuck, they won last year without me and now that I’m essentially replacing BShaw and his brittle bones, the sky’s the limit. I’m going into a situation with an old ass team and no coach. But I get a thrill out of piggy backing on the best team in the league and essentially getting a gold ball gift wrapped in the Fall. I think I can be a functional drunk on this team. I can help Papi lose that relationship weight. I can help Houghton get rid of his steroid addiction. And I can’t wait to reunite with Darcey, one of my least favorite human beings on earth so I can ice her every inning of the season.

This is all about the roster and organization. I feel my calling here goes above kickball. I have a responsibility to get drunk and dominate and I take that very seriously. My presence can make a difference on any team, but I think it can mean more on NDW while we’re blowing teams out 35-0. I’ve already received permission from The Legend himself to tear the sleeves off my shirt. He says he doesn’t own my shirt.

In WAKA Portland, all the calls are given never earned. You work for nothing because it depends how high the ref is.

I’m ready to accept the challenge. I’m leaving home.