Preseason Rankings and More!
Well, well, well what do we have here? Don't call it a comeback just yet but it's possibly a comeback. Welcome to the Ghost Man on Third. Disclaimer: This is meant to be funny. 100% of the things I write on here are in good fun and are not meant to be taken seriously. I know some of you millennials are super sensitive so if you really don't want to be mentioned in this weekly (maybe bi-weekly) write up... Just lemme know. There's a good chance that if I have never met you or in the rare case, I don't like you, that you will not get mentioned here. With that being said, if you do want to make the GMoT, just get out there and have fun, get drunk and make bad decisions... Or buy me beer.
A new season is upon us this week assuming Parks & Rec aren't a bunch of dicks because it rained for 15 minutes 3 days ago. With a new season comes a new commissioner, Justin. Seems like WAKA goes through commissioners faster than Casey goes through condoms. Anyway, it's nice to see WAKA getting back to its roots and bringing bunting back. I'm sure when NDW comes back and terrorizes all the newbies again we will be back to Elementary school rules, so enjoy it while you can. Most weeks this will be a top 5 power rankings and top 5 party rankings but since it's been awhile I'm going to post something to help the new players get to know everyone else.
THE QUINTESSENTIAL GUIDE TO THE KICKBALL PLAYERS YOU WILL MEET
Every team has a few of these people. Most teams are made up of all of these types of people. Some of you vets might read these and think I'm specifically talking about you. If that's the case then you may want to reevaluate your life. Some of these might be offensive. Some definitely are offensive, and at least 3 of them describe myself. This was a list I made a few years ago and have since added a couple.
The Overly Athletic, Cutthroat Asshole - This is almost always a guy who was a great athlete in High School but failed miserably when it came to playing against people who are as athletic as them. They've spent the prime of their lives dominating co-ed sports and have no issue bragging about it. They will run a bitch over to make a catch and argue every call because no one EVER throws them out. Zero percent chance you see them at the bar if their team loses.
The Uncle Rico - Always living those glory days when they were 3rd string QB at The University of Phoenix. We get it bro, you had 4 home runs in a kickball game back when you were 7. The Rico is generally out of shape now and doesn't really help their team too much anymore. They just befriend the good teams with past stories of mediocrity just hoping to ride the bench to a championship.
The Insanely Athletic Unathlete - The majority of these players are Crossfitters. In fantastic shape but a one legged blind guy can make better contact than them. These guys get more balls in their face than a low budget porn star. If you see a team full of them, don't get intimidated. As long as you don't steal their Shakeology, it's an easy win.
The Fatlete - This salad dodger is sneaky good at kickball. They generally have good hand eye coordination and an innate ability to get on base despite being slow as fuck. Most commonly stuck in those positions where you don't move a lot (1st base or Pitcher), the Fatlete can be a solid teammate.
The Ed Hochuli - This person knows every rule in the book and make sure everyone knows it. They will ref Nazi every game to the point where you just want to stab them in the face and go play Port Sports. They hang at the bar bragging about how they wouldn't have fucked up that call that cost you the game. No one likes this person so just avoid them.
The Overly Promiscuous Chick - This is the girl who rents out her place on AirBnB every Thursday night because she has zero intention of sleeping at home. She's screwed more people than the IRS and has no issue with everyone knowing. She's the reason why 50% of the guys in the league are Eskimo bros. Look for her reffing 3B with her phone out and Tinder radius set at 50 yards machine gun swiping right. If you feel like this might be you, let me know, I'll get you Shaker's phone number.
The Day Drinker - This is the guy who pays 75$ just to have an excuse to start drinking at 3pm on a Thursday. He puts in a solid 10 hour session of crushing watered down beer like Miller Lite and shits on people who go home early. If you wanna know how many beers he's had, just ask him... This loser still keeps track. He's often seen dancing by himself at OPT at midnight.
The Chick Who's Actually Good - There are a few chicks in the league who are actually good. They can bunt and get one base, move runners and catch better than the Crossfit dudes. They are constantly making us slow, out of shape old guys look like shit out there.
The Game Day Casanova - This dude pretty much uses co-ed sports to bang bitches. He's calm, cool and calculating and before you realize it, he's already made 80% of the chicks on your team Eskimo Sisters. He's easily identified as the only person that goes home to shower and change before heading to Dewey's.
The Veteran - This person has been playing for what seems like forever and they know pretty much everyone in the league. They have a knack for getting on base and making good on field decisions because they're crafty motherfuckers and know all the tricks. They can look back and say "Wow, this is like my 20th season. That means I've spent over $1,500 on one co-ed sport. I really am a fucking loser."
THE POWER 5!
Preseason rankings are solely based off of who I recognize on your roster. Party rankings do not reflect social point standings. They cover my personal observations each week and whatever I remember from Thursday nights. The social points are run by someone else. If you would like to see social point standings and commentary as well then just complain on the group page. That usually works for everything else. (Hint: If you wanna win the social award and get nothing just make out with everyone every week or rent a limo for Prom week or bring a truck pool to the playoffs... Or just make out with everybody)
I'm 100% winging these based off of your captain and team name.. These will get better once I figure out who's on what team.
POWER RANKINGS
5. ZERO KICKS GIVEN - Whit is claiming this is going to be just a drunk team but she's too competitive to let that happen.
4. Cash me ousside - Shaker always manages to field a semi-competitive team and almost always delivers on team names that were popular 6 months ago.
3. Muff N Men - Strong throwback team. Good to see the McLeans back making the woods behind the tennis courts smell nice.
2. I'll Cut A Pitch - Big FA signing last week (#braggingcamp) makes them a contender for sure.
1. Sleeping with the Denimy - I think they won the last bunting title. Somehow managed to navigate that tough 3 team division for the gold ball. Good enough for #1 in my book.
PARTY RANKINGS
5. McGillibuddies - If they live up to their team name I can see us becoming good friends.
4. Sleeping with the Denimy - They party hard and always dress to impress. You'll rarely see any of them at the bar but their on field presence is known.
3. 10 Inch Heroes - Always great participation for theme weeks and they rep the sponsor bar hard as well.
1. Wasted Potential - I'm not sure if I like the tactic of not drinking much on the fields but then everyone going out and getting smashed, but I have to respect it.
If you have any suggestions (Bachelor or Bachelorette of the week?!?!), game recaps, general trash talk, you want to tell me I'm an asshole... Anything at all. Email: Ghost Man on Third
Til next week... maybe...
-Sparkles
Comments
Post a Comment