Summer Session Wrap Up!
Summer regular season has finally come to an end so what better way to prep you for the playoffs than to have some Power Rankings! I type to you on location at Bayside Bowl, where the Not Quite End of Season Party will take place in a few hours. I figured, what better way to kill time and Mooseheads than to try and get banned from doing this again! I honestly don't know or give a shit who won last night. This will not be in order of record. But first, I feel like I should give some observations and insight on this season. DISCLAIMER: This is meant to be funny. Half of the things on here aren't even true. It's your job to try and figure the half that are! It's a satirical observation told by someone who has no filter.
Congratulations to Justin for successfully making every Thursday sunny and warm. He also did a great job of almost getting everyone cited for public drinking. Almost becoming the first commish to preside over a sober field. Who knew that Portland Parks actually had Rangers with actual uniforms... It's fucking Portland. What the fuck are you protecting? The only endangered species that lives in Portland is someone with common sense. Who really cares if some kid sees me pounding Miller Lite. Teach em young that ML is smooth, cheap and doesn't get you drunk quick so they don't become one of those fucktard craft beer blow hards talking about hops that I will be surrounded by up here in about 2 hours...
Congrats to FACES LOADED for winning social points. I'm sure the nothing they receive will be well worth the effort! It might have been a closer race if the themes every week weren't so terrible. Credit where it's due, the middle school one was pretty solid and Faces Loaded crushed it. There was a thread with many great ideas from the community and the theme every week is being a makeout slut? I tend to grade my socialness by the number of chewed off arms that are under me on Fridays when I wake up. If slutting it up was worth so many points then why didn't Kickaholics win? They might have out-slutted Home By Monday, our reigning sluttiest team ever. Mitch sprayed more social points all over his office than most teams got this season #honestkristin. From a party stand point, I will say that there were way more people that stayed out after 10PM this season (other than Justin and my team). Anyway on to the rankings!
#11. Wasted Potential - Voted Team Most Likely to Forfeit. Rumor has it these guys are out tomorrow. Team bailed after Daphne went rogue and tried joining Kickaholics.
#10. What Does 3rd Base Feel Like? - Jared is hurt and I think his team hates him. Team morale is a big thing in kickball and I just see these guys rallying the troops and making a run.
#9. Swamp Donkeys - When some chick pisses off one of your only good players, that generally doesn't bode well for that person's attendance nor your chances to win.
#8. 10 Jerks & a Squirt - I honestly have no fucking idea who is on this team aside from Justin, but seeing as I keep seeing him pop up in photos with Kickaholics, I'm going to field a guess and say they're boring. They had the worst record but I'll move them up a few spots because they have a better chance of fielding a full team.
#7. Kickin It - Saw some potential in these guys last week. They'll probably be looking for some revenge on Merc for being a drunk douche.
#6. Dragon My Ballz - Never saw them play but respect their presence on the group page. Too bad they play the Bez/Talbot complain-a-thon game 1.
#5. Ten Inch Heroes - They've been kinda quiet since getting destroyed in social point rankings. I guess home theme advantage doesn't always work. Tying #DMHS was the lone highlight in kind of a mediocre season.
#4. Faces Loaded - Gotta give Sabrina credit where it's due. It takes a lot of courage to post those pre-op pictures. Amazing what technology can do for an effeminate young boy with no friends. Faces almost out partied us this season, which they fucking better since half of them are doing Vegas this year.
#3. DMJOB - I honestly have no idea what this acronym means... Or who is on this team... I think it's Bez's team, which explains why no one goes the the sponsor bar. Only way you could make this team less popular is if you add Platinum Suit Guy. Can't really count em out but with Talbot/Bez/Pierce, this team is Mt St Helens.
#2. Kickaholics Anonymous - Solid chance to win it all if they decide to go to bed at some point tonight. Hell, it's almost 4pm and half the fucking team is already out drinking #tryandoutpartyus. By far the sluttiest team in the league and has the most groupies (Justin, Daphne)
#1. #DMHS - They won Spring and have the top seed for Summer. Couple shitty ties (one that should have been a W and one that should have been an L). Fuck it! I hope they win. Shaker needs something to talk about other than fake Game of Thrones dates.
Unfortunately my mid-season survey expired so I couldn't put down a good comment... But they do have a direct E-mail so...
Congratulations to Justin for successfully making every Thursday sunny and warm. He also did a great job of almost getting everyone cited for public drinking. Almost becoming the first commish to preside over a sober field. Who knew that Portland Parks actually had Rangers with actual uniforms... It's fucking Portland. What the fuck are you protecting? The only endangered species that lives in Portland is someone with common sense. Who really cares if some kid sees me pounding Miller Lite. Teach em young that ML is smooth, cheap and doesn't get you drunk quick so they don't become one of those fucktard craft beer blow hards talking about hops that I will be surrounded by up here in about 2 hours...
Congrats to FACES LOADED for winning social points. I'm sure the nothing they receive will be well worth the effort! It might have been a closer race if the themes every week weren't so terrible. Credit where it's due, the middle school one was pretty solid and Faces Loaded crushed it. There was a thread with many great ideas from the community and the theme every week is being a makeout slut? I tend to grade my socialness by the number of chewed off arms that are under me on Fridays when I wake up. If slutting it up was worth so many points then why didn't Kickaholics win? They might have out-slutted Home By Monday, our reigning sluttiest team ever. Mitch sprayed more social points all over his office than most teams got this season #honestkristin. From a party stand point, I will say that there were way more people that stayed out after 10PM this season (other than Justin and my team). Anyway on to the rankings!
#11. Wasted Potential - Voted Team Most Likely to Forfeit. Rumor has it these guys are out tomorrow. Team bailed after Daphne went rogue and tried joining Kickaholics.
#10. What Does 3rd Base Feel Like? - Jared is hurt and I think his team hates him. Team morale is a big thing in kickball and I just see these guys rallying the troops and making a run.
#9. Swamp Donkeys - When some chick pisses off one of your only good players, that generally doesn't bode well for that person's attendance nor your chances to win.
#8. 10 Jerks & a Squirt - I honestly have no fucking idea who is on this team aside from Justin, but seeing as I keep seeing him pop up in photos with Kickaholics, I'm going to field a guess and say they're boring. They had the worst record but I'll move them up a few spots because they have a better chance of fielding a full team.
#7. Kickin It - Saw some potential in these guys last week. They'll probably be looking for some revenge on Merc for being a drunk douche.
#6. Dragon My Ballz - Never saw them play but respect their presence on the group page. Too bad they play the Bez/Talbot complain-a-thon game 1.
#5. Ten Inch Heroes - They've been kinda quiet since getting destroyed in social point rankings. I guess home theme advantage doesn't always work. Tying #DMHS was the lone highlight in kind of a mediocre season.
#4. Faces Loaded - Gotta give Sabrina credit where it's due. It takes a lot of courage to post those pre-op pictures. Amazing what technology can do for an effeminate young boy with no friends. Faces almost out partied us this season, which they fucking better since half of them are doing Vegas this year.
#3. DMJOB - I honestly have no idea what this acronym means... Or who is on this team... I think it's Bez's team, which explains why no one goes the the sponsor bar. Only way you could make this team less popular is if you add Platinum Suit Guy. Can't really count em out but with Talbot/Bez/Pierce, this team is Mt St Helens.
#2. Kickaholics Anonymous - Solid chance to win it all if they decide to go to bed at some point tonight. Hell, it's almost 4pm and half the fucking team is already out drinking #tryandoutpartyus. By far the sluttiest team in the league and has the most groupies (Justin, Daphne)
#1. #DMHS - They won Spring and have the top seed for Summer. Couple shitty ties (one that should have been a W and one that should have been an L). Fuck it! I hope they win. Shaker needs something to talk about other than fake Game of Thrones dates.
Unfortunately my mid-season survey expired so I couldn't put down a good comment... But they do have a direct E-mail so...
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