Fall 2012 Superhero Preseason Power Rankings

Here we are with another season of kickball. Which means a whole new group of people to irritate. Our beloved commissioner Scott Corliss has stepped down in light of allegations that he was molesting the field cones. We will be sad to see him and his record 54 rain outs go. Kathleen Nugent has decided to step up and take the reigns. I give her until week 4 before the has a nervous breakdown and checks on the chicken. There were some big free agent signings this season, and a good group of new and returning players. So this season should be a lot of fun (except when you play NDW). Now without further ado, your pre-season power rankings. As always these are in good fun. If I don't know your team, then I made up some stuff.

The "Better Hope Steve Ginn Signs Up" Division

14. Brazzers

It's fitting they named their team after a porn site because this team is going to blow without Steve. I'm sure they won't rank this low but I had to do it. Brazzers will win the award for best coozies this season though. I hear Floyd is supplying empty Jergens bottles for everyone. Final regular season record: 1-7, it's not easy catching balls with slippery hands.

The "Just Playing For Fun" Division:

13. That's What She Said

These guys recruited some players from the CWAKA (Canadian WAKA). Unfortunately Canadians just aren't athletic or talented at anything but hockey. I suggest bringing plenty of cold beers, relaxing and enjoying the fall foliage this season. Final regular season record: 1-7. Their lone win coming against Andre Dawson's Creek.

12. Lucky Strike

Another team that would be better suited in the "We Don't Have to Play NDW" division that we had in the spring league. They could be competitive if DeCampos can convince Roger Clemens to come pitch for them. Though we play 5 innings in WAKA, so they may need a closer. Final regular season record: 2-6. They should pick up a couple wins with the cream puff schedule.

11. Balls Deep

Won't it be interesting if Balls Deep plays against Muff N Men? Brazzers should base ref this game by default. Too bad Art Dickey plays for BD, because I would nominate him to "head" ref. Final regular season record: 2-6. If this is the BD from previous fall seasons then they should pick up a couple wins. If not, I hear Josh is a free agent.

The "We Wish We Were in the NFC West" Division

10. Roll Another Bunt

If they ever legalize marijuana, this team will probably be an 0-8 team having more fun that an 8-0 team. I heard they voted on the Super Great Wall Buffet to be our sponsor bar. Commissioner Nugget promptly shot that idea down because of her endorsement contract with Binga's. Final regular season record: 3-5. Preying on the weaker teams help the win percentage.

9. We Play With Moobs

Here's a team with a few veteran players. The more you play kickball and the more you learn the tricks of the trade, the better you get. Even unathletic dimwits like JSparks almost pass for decent kickball players. I like these guys to pull one big upset and beat on the weaker teams. Final regular season record: 3-5. They would probably have more wins if captain Kerry hadn't kept them in the sissy kicking only league.

8. Swamp Donkeys

The Donkeys finished last season as the only defeated team (0-9). They had a decent offense and a Steve Nash defense with a Red Sox pitching staff. Free agent Larry Bruni should fix all that. A stud pitcher, catcher, charger, shooting guard, flutist, Larry should add 4 wins easily. Final regular season record: 4-4.

The "Coming Out of the Closet" Division

7. Muff N Men

The summer league champs were made up primarily of the Muffs. Unfortunately this isn't a "no bunting" league, which shouldn't hurt the offense too much, but the defense is a different story. They should lead the league in jello shots consumed and kickballs caught with the face. Final regular season record: 4-4. They will give a couple of the next few teams mentioned some good games.

6. The Aristocrats

This team is made up of the remnants of Catch Her in the Eye from the spring season. They would be ranked higher except they have a one legged catcher in Tim Ly. I picture them getting off to a slow start and making a big impact later in the season and the playoffs. Final regular season record: 5-3. If and when Tim gets healthy these guys will be a good team.

5. Tea Tea Twisters

Canadian tuxedos and twisted teas were the themes for this team last season. These guys are a decent all around team when they want to be. Looks like Shane talked Nate out of retirement so we will see if he's got anything left in the tank. Final regular season record: 5-3. All those twisted teas are weighing the Tea Teas down and out of the elite group.

The "Dreaming of Vegas" Division

4. Gronki-Punch

This team is the combination of what's left of Down to Get Weird and Running on Empties from the spring season. They have a solid crop of girls, a very good (at drinking) pitcher, and a cross dressing charger. 7:50 games could doom these guys though (too many 12oz curls). Final regular season record 5-3. Getting weird during the season and getting serious during the playoffs.

3. WAKA Shame

It'll be a challenge to top what Matt Shaker accomplished last season (blacking out every Thursday), but I have a feeling he's going for the repeat. WS added a couple solid free agents in Francis and Mike "Port Sports MVP" Cobb. They will be big upgrades over the scrubs they had pitching and playing first base last season. They also dumped some dead weight (Trish). With only one sure out in their lineup (Flick), they should be tough to beat. Final regular season record: 6-2. Can't picture these guys going all season without Stevey imploding a few times.

2. Rum Riot

Here's a team that's always high in the standings but just can't get that gold ball. These guys have been together for awhile and know how to play but just can't get by NDW. They are like the Atlanta Braves of the 90s (Minus 1995). Final regular season record: 6-2. They will be 0-1 after tonight.

1. No Dead Weight

The team everyone roots for (to lose). Our defending champions and Vegas bound NDW. I don't think these guys will be as good as last season. I just don't see them caring about kickball after they go 1-3 and get laughed out of Vegas. They recently signed Bez to a deal, who displayed in New York that he is not only good at striking out in LQ, but also at kickball (on 3 pitches). Their plan to have Elena seduce Scotty so they could recruit him has finally panned out as he agreed to play this season. I tried to approach their other free agent signing, Darcey, but she was going through Pepsi withdrawals and screamed at me. Final regular season record: 7-1. The commish in on their team so they will get the easiest schedule and I'm sure the "refs will blow a call" and cost them a win.

BOLD PREDICTIONS FOR THIS SEASON

We will go the entire season without a rain out. No more Scott "Bring the rain" Corliss running the show so this has to happen.

It will snow during the season and we will play. Remember last year when we had that storm on October 30th? Playoffs are scheduled for November 3rd.

NDW will not win the gold ball. I actually think they will get upset in the semi finals.

Elena, Kathleen, and Kristin will all be engaged by the end of the season. Sorry Scott, Ryan, and BShaw I had to.

Someone is getting tossed from a game this season. I'm itching to do it.

Kathleen will cry 19 times this season. Papi will be the cause of 15 of them.

This will be the best season of kickball yet. Gotta include something positive.

Thanks for reading. I'll be back for the playoffs!