WAKA Spring Superhero Pre-season Power Rankings

Welcome back to another season of unproductive Fridays sponsored by WAKA Kickball! We are back partying at Three Dollar Dewey’s this season. Hope to see as many people out as possible on Thursdays to support the best sponsor bar. As with basically anything else I say or write, this is meant to be funny. If I put anything on here that legitimately offends you, just tell me and I won’t mention you again. I will swear all the time from time to time so don’t be reading this shit to your kids before bed like Stevey does.

Thanks to Talbot’s team just rampaging all the would have been Lighthouse teams last fall, we are now back to 2 divisions. Superhero, for those who enjoy competition, complaining, ref abuse, and NDW bunting when they’re up 24-0. And Lighthouse, for those who enjoy no bunting, girl catchers, fly ball practice, and keeping your kickball shirt clean. Lighthouse teams will not be mentioned in the GMoT this season (other than this one and if there are any crossover games). So be happy (Swamp Donkeys), you’re safe this season!

We have Scott “Rain Maker” Corliss returning as commissioner this season after Kathleen “Lights Out” Nugent was fired stepped down. Please forward all complaints and weather forecasts to him. Kathy will be resuming her role as drunk gumby dancer. There are new teams, free agent signings, teams that split up and plenty of stacked lineups this season. All I got to say is, I’m glad I’m not head reffing this season. There are 5 legit teams and the other 4 can make you sweat. The level of competition this season is going to be insane. I hope I remember some of it. So without further ado, your pre season power rankings!

#9 - Richard Don’t Know

There are only 10 people on Big Mac’s roster right now so this is hard to gauge. The bright side is this is probably the only list Dick Dunno is making the top of this season (and they probably won’t be here long once they play my team). This team is made up of what’s left of Gronki Punch and what’s left of WAKA Shame from Fall. Mac’s a top notch charger and the rest of the guys on the team are top notch drinkers. RDK will surely contend for the funnest team in the league but that generally doesn’t translate into wins. (See: NDW).

#8 - It Ain’t Gonna Kick Itself

IAGKI is my team this season, so feel free to take out your GMoT aggression on whatever week you play us. Same core from last fall’s Running on Empties team, with a few new to WAKA players. We’ve got a Cleveland Indians from Major League type feel with a bunch of drunks, dumbasses, and people no one wanted that might figure out how to play by season’s end. May even try some voodoo.

#7 - Muff N Men

The Muffs are back with the same name, and pretty much the same team. Nothing fancy here. Jello shots, Joey running all over the place, and Leah catching balls with her face. Pitching will hurt them, but catching will make up for it. This is another team that’s ranked low but is capable of beating anyone.

#6 - T’keela Mockingbirds

If anyone is the league gets tossed from a game, it’s pretty much guaranteed it’s from this team. The Aristocrats from Fall already had their share of hot heads. Now they add Stevey, who set a WAKA record for temper tantrums last season. There won’t be any cakewalks on the schedule this season, which will make TM better by season’s end. The girls on the team will certainly do their part. If Talbot, Ferrante and Stevey can keep their emotions in check, TM is surely capable of beating anyone.

#5 - Least From the East

These guys came rolling in with custom shirts and definitely talked like the team to beat at the preseason party. Then Kristen laid down some tough love and said they’ll need permission from the teams they play to wear them. This team is going to be such a shit show that Shaker has already taken 3 Fridays off from work and found a donor match for a new liver. Given all that, the Beasts should end up as one of the better teams by the end of the season. There certainly is plenty of capable kickball players here. The reigning charger of the year, Bez owed everyone on NDW too much money decided to leave NDW and create his own team. This is basically WAKA Shame with Bez and a bunch of his (most likely insane) friends. They have good players at all of the skill positions and a freshly roided up Francis rippin off 80mph fastballs. Plenty of speed all around also. Their downfall will be when Bez hooks up with each girl on his team week by week and doesn’t call them, not realizing they play on his kickball team and he needs 4 to show up every week. This will result in 3 forfeits and a classic attempt at switching in different girls for the playoffs that fails miserably.

Note: All you gamblers out there might want to jump on this gem before it’s off the table. Bez is laying 4.5 runs against NDW whenever they play this season for $100. Bez, I expect you to bring that money to the game.I’ve already spent it. No IOU’s, I don’t like long lines.

#4 - Hoff Constantly

Anyone remember this from last season’s playoff preview? “What they need to do to win the Gold Ball: Stick to the Twisted Tea Lights. Less alcohol content and less calories to weigh you down. Could be big in the later games.” Probably should have listened. The Hoff’s may have been in the title game last fall if they hadn’t had a girl get too drunk, piss herself, and go on Amber Alert for 3 months in the middle of a game they were leading. They have a stout defense, anchored by Shane at charger, and are very under rated at pitcher. They surely will be a tough match for any team this season (unless they decide to wear the denim again).

#3 - Pitch Please

Team Match.com (congrats to Jay and Whit, Jared and Bry, and Ollie and himself) is back with basically the same team that went to the finals in the fall as Rum Riot. PP is one of those teams that don’t throw the ball around or make a ton of mistakes. Not the speediest team in the league, but they may have the best kickers. Hard to rank them any higher or any lower right now.

#2 - Hand Made Love

Theseguys have had the same game plan since before I started kickball. Score a run early and let Steve do all the work on defense. The only reason why I have them ranked 2nd is because they seem to always get it done inthe playoffs and Faley isn’t on the roster (yet?). I’m sure they’ll stumble to a 5-3 record without caring too much, but when playoffs come, the defense bears down and they tell TShaw to stay home.

#1 - No Dead Weight

Team AARP (is anyone on NDW in their 20s?), always seem to start and finish every season on top. Should be an awkward season for NDW not being the clear cut favorite for most hated team (Beast From the East and T’keela Mockingbirds will give them a run). Losing Bez, may hurt them ability wise, but adding Busque will surely make them better looking. Kerry and whatever was growing on his face during the preseason party will be back looking for his 16th “Precious” award, and Spike is supposed to be taking over as charger. Papi’s lost a step or 10, but it shouldn’t matter too much as the offense will score a ton. One weakness during the regular season is half their team travels for work. They made up for that by having 71 people on the roster.

Going to try and do a vote at the end of the season for awards. Maybe Scotty will get some trophies made for these. Takes a real legend to have your name on one of these bad boys.

The “Precious” - Awarded seasonally to Kerry Robillard the best pitcher in the league. I predict Kerry will win this for the 83rd time.

The “Remember When Papi Was Good” Award - Awarded to the best catcher in the league or Steve Ginn. Steve has already won, and accepted this award.

The “Bezra McArthy” Award - For the season’s best charger. Seems once you go drag, you can chase down balls like no other.

The “Not Just a Free Out” Award - For the season’s best female player. You have to register as a female to be eligible for this award (sorry Mac!).

Week 1 Games:

5:55pm

Beast From the East vs. Hand Made Love

Game of the Week! Good test to start the season for BFTE. In early weeks, it’s usually the teams that have played together that fare better. HML wins 3-2.

Muff ‘N Men vs. Hoff Constantly

Twisted Teas and Jello shots. Sounds like a sugar overload for me. Hoff’s defense should be what carries them all season. May be a little higher scoring than it should be because it’s week 1. Hoff’s win 6-3

Some Lighthouse Team vs. Pitch Please

These games don’t matter in the standings so this is a bye week for all I care.

6:45

No Dead Weight vs. Richard Don’t Know

Dick Dunno are the lucky ones who get to warm NDW up this season. I have a feeling this one won’t be close. NDW wins 9-0.

T’keela Mockingbirds vs. It Ain’t Gonna Kick Itself

Jesus, I don’t even wanna know how bad me and my team are going to be the first week. I’m hoping this prediction fires everyone up. Pretty sure Samuel’s does happy hour at 3pm so me and Wade will be drunk way before this disaster starts. TM 6-1.

Thanks for reading. Cya on the fields!

-Sparks