Opening Week!

           Finally! Kickball season is back! Kind of an exciting off season we had. We saw some teams rebuild, some teams implode, and some teams trying to blow up their team already (NDW). We have a few new teams this season, which is amazing because I thought kickball was about as popular as Magic the Gathering these days. When I mention any of the new teams in the league, it's all hypothetical. I don't recognize any names on at least 3 rosters this season. Don't feel slighted. I generally don't remember much of anything after 7pm on Thursdays. My reader numbers were down last season... Makes me sad. Spread the word and let's make this season the best yet for the GMoT. I promise I'll stop mailing weeks in this season. On to the rankings!

 POWER RANKINGS WEEK 1

How this generally works: I rank each team in descending order based on how good I think you are. Don't be offended if you're ranked last. You're probably just not very good at kickball or drinking. There's a good crop of new people and new teams so expect those teams to be on the bottom to start. I'm not Adam Schefter. I don't have experts like Mel Kiper Jr sending me your 40 times or how many 12oz curls you can do. Anyway! Let's do this!

The Newbies

#10. Pocket Pounders -  I have no idea who anyone is on this team. I see three people with the same last name on the roster so I can only assume they are polygamists, which I totally support. Good old Hopper, welcoming new teams to the league against the defending champs. The only team he hates more is whoever gets NDW week 1...

#9. Pitches Be Krazy - Another team with a roster full of people that I don't recognize. I don't think some of these new teams know what they're getting into. But, it's nice to see teams embracing the true WAKA rules (How come we can alter the rules and create a kicking only division but we can't do anything about fucking ties?). PBK is fortunate enough to get a game against a team that values fun over beating the shit out of you this week rather than facing the usual "learn the hard way" routine aka getting destroyed by NDW in 2 innings 56 - 0.

#8. Kick Tease - Impressive we managed 3 full teams of players that I don't remember know. I think these guys are a Lighthouse import. Let me be the first to say welcome to the show. Where the pitchers are better, the defenses are fierce, the refs are god awful, and you don't have to listen to people talk about Cross Fit every 10 minutes. The minor experience ranks them ahead of the 2 previous teams.

The Recreational Alcoholics

#7. Muff N Puff - Wow! How about the roster overhaul this team took in the Winter. From top seed in the Fall to only like 5 returning players. Can't imagine who what would have caused such a high turnover from what I thought was a close knit team. This team could be dangerous towards the end of the season, once Joey's newbies learn to bunt. There's a ton of speed. They'll have their usual weakness of being too high all the time but that really only affects the teams they ref for.

#6. Chug Norris - Chug Norris has never had a Twisted Tea problem. However, Twisted Tea has had a Chug Norris problem. I didn't think Lawson's team was playing this season as there was no team sponsored by Twisted Tea or Cumberland Farms. This team will have it's usual share of drunks and sluts. Plenty of Clam Jam and other shenanigans that are why this team is so beloved to our league. These guys can play when they want. They only get ranked this low because most of the time they just fuck around.

#5. The UntouchaBalls - The Balls return the majority of their core from last season as Ma Dixon Cider. They add a bit of fire power with a few players from Talbot's team coming over after Bez broke up his team as well. Mulkern should fit in nicely at 1st since Owen is too whipped to play and Shannon and Whitney will be serviceable boozers all season. Rumor has it Stevey had to get on his knees and beg to join. I assure you he had to do more than that.

That's no milk mustache. They still have the best pitcher in the league not named Precious, and an infield that has the potential to match anyone else's. I heard they've also been known to toss back a few during games.

The Contenders

#4. We're Coming on Home - K-Nugs finally got a taste of life without NDW and loved it so much, she decided to make a team. These guys are made up of the remnants of Talbot's team and whoever Dambrie could charm away from other teams. This is no rookie team, though, with a good balance of speed, power and the Octavio Dotel of kickball, Matt Shaker. Overall, WCoH should be a solid team, but probably not on the level of the 3 teams ahead of them (though they did poach some players from all 3). Then again, how often am I right?

#3. Hand Made Love - Another team that almost always has pretty much the same roster. Apparently they have also finally settled on a name to keep as well (I'd have kept it as Faley's phone number). No secrets with these guys. Score a couple early, then use that great defense to shut the other team down/bore them to death. TShaw is the only glaring weakness on the team, but his motivational skills are top notch and the entertainment value is always there. 

#2. No Dead Weight - The prodigal son has returned to finish destroying the team he once played. NDW picked up some fresh players that met the ego requirements and bring back the core players from last season's train wreck. The Legend is on the roster, but is rumored to only be available for playoffs. Who knows how much of that is true. Bez is back on the team for a potential Vegas run. He is the only professional kickball player from Maine, which is about as cool as being a professional candlepin bowler. Look for these guys to contest every close call and bitch at each other every time they allow a run (like the good old days!).

#1. Rum Riot - Unlike other sports writers, I believe if you win the championship, you should start the season as #1. These guys usually have the same team every season and are always among the top teams. This season shouldn't be an exception. Playoff MVP, Dambrie, was replaced by Leah "Ball Face" Jones.

When it's all said and done, I expect these guys at least in the semis, much like every season. Too much experience. Especially if Mac can make more than 2 games. 

This Week's Games

6PM

Hand Made Love (-1) vs. We're Coming on Home

This would have to the "Fireball Game of the Week". HML has arguably the best infield in the league. Granted they don't practice non stop like NDW, they've all just played together forever. This is no knock to WCoH, who should be able to score and hang around the whole game. HML just seems to find ways to win.

Rum Riot (-5) vs. Pocket Pounders

This line is generous only because RR will most likely take it easy if they get up by a few runs. I've heard the Pounders are a pretty solid softball team. Doubt that will help them this week, though.

Chug Norris (-5) vs. Pitches Be Krazy

This is another generous line based on who the new team is playing against. I'm sure CN will jump out to a comfy lead then start booting the ball and messing around. PBK is new and I really have no idea what to expect from them this week.

6:50

Muff N Puff (-4) vs. Kick Tease

Joey and his newbies get a nice warm up game this week and KT gets to play against a team with a decent amount of new players. I'd be stupid to not take the Muffs in this one.

NDW (-3) vs. The UntouchaBalls

This may have been the GotW if it were played later in the season. NDW is making their Vegas bid and it's really a crap shoot who's going to show up for them on a weekly basis because half of the team travels for work (or kickball). The Balls have a large roster and will probably be a bit drunk rusty for this one.

Remember, don't be a dickhead out there. People will remember and then at the bar you'll get iced... by everyone... and this could be you tomorrow night!