Week 7 Rankings
Week 7 is upon us and the (blank) on the Beach theme week is only a week late. Week 6 brought us a few upsets and a potential log jam in the rankings with It Ain't Gonna Kick Itself upsetting Pitch Please and T'keela Mockingbirds upsetting Bez From the East. There were no forfeits this week and no teams got embarrassed by 6 chicks. Our (beloved?) Chris "Little Scotty" Hopper has recently been promoted to CSR, thus providing another man short enough to service us without getting on his knees. The bachelor/ette of the week will be taking a back seat this week and Chuck Woolery will be doing some match making in this weeks Love Connection. Here are the rankings.
#9. Richard Don't Know (0-4, Last Gm: L 1-5 to HC) (Last Wk: 9, NC)
RDK doubled their run total last week against the Hoffs. Mac became the first player this season to be tossed from a game after arguing balls and strikes with "Weaker Chris" Corliss. At the post game press conference, Mac was very critical of the referees and may have used the phrase "yes homo". Expect a hefty fine and maybe a suspension.
#8. Pitch, Please (1-4, Last Wk: L 3-4 to BFE, L 0-2 to IAGKI) (Last Wk: 6, -2)
PP was a disappointing 0 for 2 in their double header week. Losing to BFE and giving IAGKI its first win of the season. Apparently this team's major weakness is when you intentionally walk them. Losing to Shaker and myself in the same night is probably the kickball equivalent of getting swept by the Astros. Things won't be getting better this week against NDW unless only 3 guys show up.
#7. It Ain't Gonna Kick Itself (1-4, Last Gm: W 2-0 vs. PP) (Last Wk: 8, +1)
Brian "I Remember My First RKI" Nappi was the hero of IAGKI's first win last week. Sparkles (yes I'm back to referring to myself in the 3rd person) pitched a gem, and the defense was on lock down for an entire game for once. Unfortunately, the last 2 games on the schedule are against 2 undefeated teams, so the "play in" game seems unavoidable. Like I said at the beginning of the season, this team could be dangerous by season's end.
#6. T'keela Mockingbirds (2-3, Last Gm: W 3-1 vs. BFE) (Last Wk: 7, +1)
TM seemed to put it together for a game against BFE's 2nd string pitcher. We were playing on the next field and could barely hear any screaming from orange shirts, so I assume there weren't any fielders "getting in the way" of runners. Talbot said after the game that it reminded him of his Port Sports kickball days, where all the pitches would come in nice, straight and slow (just how Papi likes his women).
#5. Beast From the East (3-3, Last Wk: W 4-3 vs. PP, L 1-3 to TM) (Last Wk: 4, -1)
BFE split their double header this week without their normal pitcher Francis, who was serving a 2 game suspension for taking a banned substance. Shaker set a WAKA single game record for intentional walks, which had Alex so fired up that he threatened my manhood if I intentionally walked him in our game (which I did). The strategy paid off in their first game, but not so much in the 2nd game. BFE could be the team affected by forfeitgate II the most as the standings right now have them with a first round match up with NDW.
#4. Hoff Constantly (3-2, Last Gm: W 5-1 vs. RDK) (Last Wk: 5, +1)
The Hoff's picked up a needed win after being embarrassed last week by a bunch of chicks. Granted, that win was against RDK, who haven't really found their "stride" yet. Highlight of the game was game MVP Shane showing up just in time for his at bat and booting a triple bare foot, then post game, just dominating at clam jam.
#3. Hand Made Love (3-0-1, Last Gm: T 0-0 vs. MNM) (Last Wk: 2, -1)
HML drops in the rankings simply because they disappointed me last week. You guys can't be loading the bases with no outs and not score. The defense showed up for once, but there's no excuse for the lack of run production. TShaw promptly blamed the first base ref when asked about it later that night. Expect an easy rebound game this week.
#2. Muff N Men (3-0-1, Last Gm: T 0-0 vs. HML) (Last Wk: 3, +1)
The Muff's kept the dream alive by shutting out HML last week. Unfortunately, like HML, the offense took the week off. The season is setting up for a great final week with MNM playing NDW (weather pending), but this week they shouldn't look past IAGKI or they could get caught sleeping like Pitch Please.
#1. No Dead Weight (4-0, Last Gm: Bye) (Last Wk: 1, NC)
NDW had the bye week and got smoked at Sloshball. Wasn't too fair for them as the Crossfit all stars were drinking Myoplex. It's back to business this week if they can manage to field a full team against the original forfeitgate victims. Papi is leading the league this season in black outs, slurred words, and getting Hopper to buy Jagr bombs. True triple crown threat just putting Shaker to shame this season.
This Weeks Games
Early Games
Pitch, Please vs. NDW
PP has been disappointing this season and NDW has been quietly dominant. Expect both trends to continue as NDW wins 5-1
Hoff Constantly vs. T'keela Mockingbirds
Game of the Week. The Hoff's have a decent record but really haven't played well and TM is a potential melt down waiting to happen. I'm going to assume that all of the Hoffs key position players will show up this week and they will win 4-3.
Late Games
Hand Made Love vs. Richard Don't Know
This will most likely turn into a sloppy game with Mac harassing another head ref and Faley out flopping Lebron James. HML wins 5-0
It Ain't Gonna Kick Itself vs. Muff N Men
The Muffs defense will be tested against IAGKI this week. Half their lineup kicks, the other have bunts. No one can really predict what any batter will do at anytime. With that being said, the Muffs should pull out a close one but see their scoreless streak end 3-2.
Bez From the East vs. Depth Perception
Expect BFE to play this game like it's the Founder's Cup Championship, and the Lighthouse team to play like it's their first time playing kickball. Bez will probably stick to the outfield to avoid getting hit in his other eye.
Last Week 2-2-1
Season 16-4-1
#9. Richard Don't Know (0-4, Last Gm: L 1-5 to HC) (Last Wk: 9, NC)
RDK doubled their run total last week against the Hoffs. Mac became the first player this season to be tossed from a game after arguing balls and strikes with "Weaker Chris" Corliss. At the post game press conference, Mac was very critical of the referees and may have used the phrase "yes homo". Expect a hefty fine and maybe a suspension.
#8. Pitch, Please (1-4, Last Wk: L 3-4 to BFE, L 0-2 to IAGKI) (Last Wk: 6, -2)
PP was a disappointing 0 for 2 in their double header week. Losing to BFE and giving IAGKI its first win of the season. Apparently this team's major weakness is when you intentionally walk them. Losing to Shaker and myself in the same night is probably the kickball equivalent of getting swept by the Astros. Things won't be getting better this week against NDW unless only 3 guys show up.
#7. It Ain't Gonna Kick Itself (1-4, Last Gm: W 2-0 vs. PP) (Last Wk: 8, +1)
Brian "I Remember My First RKI" Nappi was the hero of IAGKI's first win last week. Sparkles (yes I'm back to referring to myself in the 3rd person) pitched a gem, and the defense was on lock down for an entire game for once. Unfortunately, the last 2 games on the schedule are against 2 undefeated teams, so the "play in" game seems unavoidable. Like I said at the beginning of the season, this team could be dangerous by season's end.
#6. T'keela Mockingbirds (2-3, Last Gm: W 3-1 vs. BFE) (Last Wk: 7, +1)
TM seemed to put it together for a game against BFE's 2nd string pitcher. We were playing on the next field and could barely hear any screaming from orange shirts, so I assume there weren't any fielders "getting in the way" of runners. Talbot said after the game that it reminded him of his Port Sports kickball days, where all the pitches would come in nice, straight and slow (just how Papi likes his women).
#5. Beast From the East (3-3, Last Wk: W 4-3 vs. PP, L 1-3 to TM) (Last Wk: 4, -1)
BFE split their double header this week without their normal pitcher Francis, who was serving a 2 game suspension for taking a banned substance. Shaker set a WAKA single game record for intentional walks, which had Alex so fired up that he threatened my manhood if I intentionally walked him in our game (which I did). The strategy paid off in their first game, but not so much in the 2nd game. BFE could be the team affected by forfeitgate II the most as the standings right now have them with a first round match up with NDW.
#4. Hoff Constantly (3-2, Last Gm: W 5-1 vs. RDK) (Last Wk: 5, +1)
The Hoff's picked up a needed win after being embarrassed last week by a bunch of chicks. Granted, that win was against RDK, who haven't really found their "stride" yet. Highlight of the game was game MVP Shane showing up just in time for his at bat and booting a triple bare foot, then post game, just dominating at clam jam.
#3. Hand Made Love (3-0-1, Last Gm: T 0-0 vs. MNM) (Last Wk: 2, -1)
HML drops in the rankings simply because they disappointed me last week. You guys can't be loading the bases with no outs and not score. The defense showed up for once, but there's no excuse for the lack of run production. TShaw promptly blamed the first base ref when asked about it later that night. Expect an easy rebound game this week.
#2. Muff N Men (3-0-1, Last Gm: T 0-0 vs. HML) (Last Wk: 3, +1)
The Muff's kept the dream alive by shutting out HML last week. Unfortunately, like HML, the offense took the week off. The season is setting up for a great final week with MNM playing NDW (weather pending), but this week they shouldn't look past IAGKI or they could get caught sleeping like Pitch Please.
#1. No Dead Weight (4-0, Last Gm: Bye) (Last Wk: 1, NC)
NDW had the bye week and got smoked at Sloshball. Wasn't too fair for them as the Crossfit all stars were drinking Myoplex. It's back to business this week if they can manage to field a full team against the original forfeitgate victims. Papi is leading the league this season in black outs, slurred words, and getting Hopper to buy Jagr bombs. True triple crown threat just putting Shaker to shame this season.
This Weeks Games
Early Games
Pitch, Please vs. NDW
PP has been disappointing this season and NDW has been quietly dominant. Expect both trends to continue as NDW wins 5-1
Hoff Constantly vs. T'keela Mockingbirds
Game of the Week. The Hoff's have a decent record but really haven't played well and TM is a potential melt down waiting to happen. I'm going to assume that all of the Hoffs key position players will show up this week and they will win 4-3.
Late Games
Hand Made Love vs. Richard Don't Know
This will most likely turn into a sloppy game with Mac harassing another head ref and Faley out flopping Lebron James. HML wins 5-0
It Ain't Gonna Kick Itself vs. Muff N Men
The Muffs defense will be tested against IAGKI this week. Half their lineup kicks, the other have bunts. No one can really predict what any batter will do at anytime. With that being said, the Muffs should pull out a close one but see their scoreless streak end 3-2.
Bez From the East vs. Depth Perception
Expect BFE to play this game like it's the Founder's Cup Championship, and the Lighthouse team to play like it's their first time playing kickball. Bez will probably stick to the outfield to avoid getting hit in his other eye.
Last Week 2-2-1
Season 16-4-1
Chuck Woolery's Love Connection of the Week!
Kris "Balding Eagle" Mercier and Darcey "Bigger Balls" Webster
Sexual tension is a social phenomenon that occurs when two individuals interact and one or both feel sexual desire, but the consummation is postponed or never happens.
You know how on TV, 2 people will be fighting, it will escalate to the point where they almost hit each other... Then BAM! full on sex scene. That is the "real life" equivalent of what happened last week in a comment thread between these two.
We all witnessed this in full public display via the Portland Kickballer Facebook group between two of the league's most beloved and excitable players. It's more likely a fist fight between the two will occur before wedding bells, but what if? One is an A-type metrosexual while the other is just a country girl with sheep shit on her boots. Is it love? One plays on the leagues most competitive and hated team, while the other plays on the team that most likely is the drunkest and dominates every theme week. Will there be magic or fireworks this week? Will they actually compare balls so we can truly find out who's are bigger? Will Darcey actually kill me for putting her in this 2 weeks in a row?
Since I was the catalyst for that epic banter, I feel like I deserve to be a godparent to your deformed little midget child and at least be allowed a minor toast at the wedding. Thanks in advance.
See you all on the fields
-Sparkles
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